Culture's Journey

       Since I was a young teenager pondering life and the mysteries within it, I was convinced that the day we know everything, if at all possible, is the day we die and that life is a continual journey of progression towards the fulfilled individual we were supposed to be. This was before I knew and followed God. This was before I even ended puberty. Something within me knew there is more to life than just test scores, a good job, and financial security. It is partly about continually developing ourselves, growing daily, in as many ways as possible, to become the whole person.


     I remember during my ponderings seeing a person as an empty container of sorts, born empty. Only in the thirst and search for knowledge do we become more fulfilled, learning about life, people, cultures, Greek language, art, etc., do we start to fill that container. If one only reads Dr. Seuss, or only watches "reality" television, or only eats one kind of cereal, there is no growth, as is becoming more and more evident in our culture these days. People, in general, seem stunted. Instead of pursuing the next level of their own personal development, they are striving and seeking success in the form of reaching the next level of their video game. There seems to be very little growth for growth's sake, and much stagnation, filling up on superficiality and vain things that are in all actuality completely unsatisfying, which leads me to theorize that is part of the reason why so many are depressed and not very happy or satisfied with life. There is little joy, little contentment, much indulging and addiction to things with no sustenance. We are intellectually starved.


     Our culture seems to be deteriorating at a rapid pace, and I look back at when things seemed to be thriving and looked at the habits and customs of those days. It was customary for education to be primary, and not basic reading, writing, and arithmetic, but challenging things were given to little kids like Greek studies, proficiency in piano, etiquette, horseback riding lessons, and studies of Plato, the Bible, Aristotle, Shakespeare even. It seems as if everything is dumbed down these days, and it makes me very sad. It is almost like our culture, our intellect, is wasting away. Culture is dying as there are very few "cultured" people left out there. Very little sophistication. Very little class or dignity. It seems as though those are almost bad words these days. I miss manners, respect, and the like. So, in my own life, I strive to create that for myself, to teach my son dying things like manners, respect, and dignity, and embrace that myself. I do not have to adopt the ways of the "norm" around me. I am blessed to be able to "create" the world I wish to live in.


      Part of my challenging myself to create is also to grow intellectually and spiritually, to stretch and push my mind and the way I think, to broaden my horizons. I think I will start with Saint Sir Thomas More's Utopia, then maybe Walden by Thoreau, Tolstoy's War and Peace, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Ralph Waldo Emerson's poetry, and other classics. I believe they are classics for a reason. So many classic works of literature that I have not even read yet, but I will. I strive to read as many classics, and even Plato and Aristotle and other "thinkers" of past times before I die in this life. I will listen to Bach and B.B. King, examine Monet, and study Da Vinci's sketches of inventions.


    I seem to believe more and more that the only way to ensure a rich, healthy future is to go back and study the past. There is something to that. Aside from teaching my son to love God first, and others, I strive to teach him the importance of a quality education, the thirst for knowledge. Life is not found in textbooks forced in order to meet government standards, but in the individuals pursuit of knowledge and challenging one's self to keep stretching beyond the comfort zone, to continue growing daily in various forms.


     Am I the only one that thinks this way?


     I can't imagine I am.


     I would love to hear thoughts on this.




   Until Next Time....

Homeschool: Seashells and Multiplication

Today my little guy and I tackled multiplication, something I have been prolonging as much as possible. I figured it was something my son would need extra explanation and visual aids with so I broke out the seashells and took some deep breaths before we began.


He has been using a Jumpstart to 2nd Grade workbook we found at our thrift store a while back for only $2.99 and we both love. Each section has four different levels with "stamps" to put on each "passport" after completion of each section, and one level is a review that earns a big sticker to put on the Certificate of Completion at the back of the book. My son loves earning his stamps and stickers and keeps him encouraged to do his work, which makes me love it even more. The book is also perfect to use since I have decided to continue homeschooling throughout the summer, just changing up our lessons and focus a bit.

Since our kitchen table has tiles on top of it that make perfect grids, I utilize those with math every chance I get. So today I helped teach my son multiplication by using seashells and sticky notes. I wrote a number or equation on the sticky note and placed it on a lower square, then had him add the correct number of shells to each square or "group." Thus, he had a visual of what the different groups and numbers per group meant. He seemed to pick it up VERY quickly and even said he liked doing it, asking to do more multiplication equations. I walked him through, then had him do a review on his own by placing the sticky notes with equations on the table and he used the shells to complete it. Once I felt confident he could do it, and HE felt confident, we moved on to the lesson in the workbook, which he did with very little trouble at all; only a few mistakes due to rushing through.

Overall, he was encouraged and excited about multiplication and there were NO TEARS for either of us. I think he enjoyed the hands on part of getting to sort of play with the shells and perhaps it tricked his mind into thinking he was playing. No matter what, the lesson was not bad at all and I dreaded it for nothing.


Once he finished, we moved on to our Art time. I had popsicle sticks, mosaic tiles in blue and tan, and the shells used for our math lesson. I glued the blue tiles on the bottom of the stick, then the tan, then added a few shells to the top. I wish I could upload the pictures. I call them our "Ocean Sticks." He enjoyed the project too. I'm not exactly sure what purpose they will serve, but I am sure we will think of something, if not more tools to use for his playtime and imagination.

One thing I try to do with our homeschool lessons is tie-in themes throughout, which is why I wanted to share our day as an example. Using shells for math and art, making a crab for an art project and then watching a video on crabs, making ice cream and then learning about Antarctica... the possibilities for fun tie-ins is endless and makes teaching and learning much more exciting for both the Teacher (Mom) and Student (Child).




Until Next Time...

Pushing Forward

It is amazing what happens when I purposefully set aside time to myself and retreat into my writing. I started by utilizing what little time I had tonight while my little one was bathing and my husband was relaxing after work to read a few devotionals I have and write in my journal. I then utilized more time to write after my little one's bedtime and our family time. Then after a little break to get my big guy in bed and have our Love Dare devotions, I purged out more words for a total of over 5,000 words added to one of my upcoming stories. That is astounding to me and so long since I have done that. It feels "wonderful" to have done that and to be reminded that I CAN do it. Three years I believe it has been since I have churned out that much in one session. I am thrilled! 5,000 words equates to about seven pages. A great head start. I am still amazed at how much it just starts flowing out of me once I get my head geared into it and realizing I am not going to ever produce perfection in my first bits of writing. Even the best of writers have to constantly edit and re-write with multiple drafts in-between.


So why am I so hard on myself and have so many unrealistic expectations?!?!?!


I am my own worst enemy and biggest stumbling block.


I fill myself with all these unrealistic expectations and then when I can't meet them, and I don't think any real person could, then I use it as evidence to convince myself I can't. I self-sabotage.


Why?


I am afraid of success and I am afraid of failure.


It has come to my attention that I am not the only one out there that deals with this annoyance. I wish I could be "normal" and just do it, but it really is about why am I so afraid at succeeding?


I am afraid of putting myself out there.
I am afraid of doing all this work, investing all this time and effort, for it to flop or be wasted.
I am afraid of letting down my husband.
I am super afraid of letting down myself.
I am convinced I am a writer and that is what I am meant/was created to do, yet I am afraid of never succeeding at it, thus spending my whole life chasing unmet goals and forcing everyone to suffer through my pursuing of my dreams.
I am afraid of succeeding and being put into the spotlight with all the added pressure.
I am afraid of people expecting things out of me, like more success.
Really, to summarize, I am afraid. Simple as that.


Fear has always been an enemy of mine that I wore like a security blanket.


I am a recovering perfectionist with high expectations and I think I expect others to hold those same high expectations also.


I hate letting people down.


I hate feeling like a failure.


I am a fumbler in life, but I don't want to fail at my heart's desire.


I am working on this fear thing and learning to go with the flow, take the time allotted to me when I get it, even if it is just a half hour, and start pouring myself into writing, in whatever form. I am working on focusing on the journey instead of the destination. It is a journey to free-write my stories, purging them from my soul first before I try to prune and sort them into sensible creations. I must first work the clay before I can form it into the perfect piece of pottery. Why do I expect it to instantaneously poof into a vase? A seed doesn't turn into a fruit-bearing plant overnight. It all takes time. It is part of the process. I am learning to accept, enjoy, and embrace the process while pushing forward past my fears, breaking them apart as I move along.


Ooh it feels good!

Unsticking the Envelope

I have created a bigger challenge broken down into smaller monthly, weekly, and daily challenges to help me meet my bigger goals.


One is to start taking better care of myself and lose 20 lbs in two months, by my 28th birthday.


The other is to write 50 thousand words in 2 months.


Progress I made today was making healthy freezer meals for the whole family, two servings each, of chicken fajitas for my husband, and tilapia fajitas/rice bowls for the little one and I since we try to eat only seafood for meat. I also have some stored away in the fridge awaiting us for dinner tomorrow. The plan is to plan ahead with meals so we aren't tempted to waste money on eating out or throwing together unhealthy food. We'll see how it goes. I also forced myself to eat routinely today. I typically have very little of an appetite, but I ate a healthy breakfast this morning, beans and rice with cayenne powder for lunch, and apple for snack. Will have a salad bar for dinner as we have to eat out tonight.


I enjoyed a bike ride in the stifling Florida summer heat with my son. It was nice to get out in the fresh air and soak up some Vitamin D. It was nice to get out of the routine, spend time with him, and have him start conversing with me. I love those bonding moments. I love that bike riding is all-encompassing with getting exercise, getting out of the routine, and making memories with my little one. Also mingled small sets of weight-lifting and pilates in the few minutes I can get throughout the day.


I pushed myself to write 1,000 words in Love is a Fickle Thing Two. It's funny how I stop myself up immediately with I Can'ts, but then once I am actually sitting in front of the screen, or in my case lying on my comfy bed, and start writing, it just flows, a little... enough. Instead of looking at the big picture of adding to the whole story, and adding all the pressure to myself on top of it, I have done what I intended to do with Romaine anyway, I am writing in short bursts of journal entries which is how I originally wanted to layout the second book anyway. I find it is much easier to write that way. I am getting renewed bursts of creativity by an artist's blog I am reading, and also using my own creative struggles incorporated into the story. I realized I am working too hard trying to make Romaine and the story into something it was never intended to be. It is supposed to be a simple, flowy, coming-of-age story from an artist's P.O.V. that is geared more towards artistic people. Now I am nearing finishing it, the reality of other people reading it has gotten me thinking I need to write for that audience, thus I lose it entirely. I started writing for Romaine, and the story I wanted to read, and so I must continue that way. It is magical and cracked with paint smudges and beautiful scenery with some realizations and maturity along the way. Why must I always complicate things and think if it is "easy" or "simple" then I need to feel guilty and must not be doing something right or am not doing enough?! Why is it so hard for me to just release control and let things flow?!


Well, moving forward, so much has been going on, but I must start getting ready. Meeting my wonderful husband for dinner then swapping my boy with him so they can go to VBS and I can go to my first meeting for the Creative Writing team at church. I am excited. VERY excited about being a part of this team, being in the middle of flowing creativity, and being with creative folks outside of myself for a good purpose. I am anxious for the growth I know will occur in me and my writing as a result of this new adventure.


Cheers to New Things and new adventures!


So, what is it that you want to do but have been too afraid/tired/overwhelmed/etc. to do?


Why not let go of the excuses and start doing it now?


Until next time...

Emotional Healing Through Writing

Part of my writing goal today was to work on a breakthrough I had with my main character for Love is a Fickle Thing, and to write out another breakthrough I had with another character from the first series that made me take myself as a writer seriously; The Truth series.


I wrote a personal journal entry last night and discovered the parallel between myself and my Romaine. I used that struggle to focus her problems and produced over 500 words in about 20-ish minutes.


Then, I utilized Pinterest to focus on inspiring challenges this week and one of the titles to a Pin is How To Heal Yourself Emotionally Through Writing, so I Pinned that to my Today board and found it perfect given personal emotional issues I have been dealing with and drudging through. As before, with what made me start writing Charlotte's story in the Truth series, I used my emotional pain in writing as a form of therapy and release. How fitting now as I pour a central figure in my life into one of Charlotte's, and what a beautiful dramatic backstory is shaping simply from this pouring of emotional release. I heal myself in abstract ways through writing. It is wonderful to be two-fold productive by taking care of myself and increasing word count. Over 800 so far in a short spurt of writing for the Truth series. I could add more but have to stop because I wanted to get this short blog in before I have to get ready to leave for a family night at Chik Fil A.


I feel sick, I want to stay in bed and write, but I also want to have a nice night away from the house with my family. Modern day dilemmas, eh?


I had a goal of writing 1,000 words today and I met that so I am happy even though I wanted it all to be toward LIAFT, but, there is still more time in the day and less than 500 words to meet that goal. Maybe 1000 for each today? It is doable. Especially if I shut myself off in the bedroom after my little one is in bed. I am grateful for a supportive husband who understands my need to write.


Until next time...

Challenges and New Things

I have been going through my pins on Pinterest trying to find things that inspire me, challenge me, and encourage me. I am taking a little "break" this summer to focus on me, my writing, getting things settled in the house, and getting some type of firm footing underneath me so I can take off running in the "new year" of September.


For the 100 Things challenge, I tried Art time with my son today. I pulled out the big art kit he got for Christmas from his great-Grandma, drawing paper, and gave him the mission of thinking about what makes him happy and then trying to draw it. He stated in order that what made him happy was:
The park, church, Chik Fil A and the playground there, playing in the water, and Legos. One side of the paper was dedicated to a yellow smiling sun, a blue sky, and a red slide with stairs and trampolines. The other side was solely dedicated to Legos, that were oblong shapes with circles in them to represent the pegs. He enjoyed the activity and it encouraged me that he enjoyed art. He wasn't as interested when he was younger, other than drawing on walls and smooshing modeling clay and Play-Doh. He has always loved to paint though. 


The central focus of mine was a big red heart that had Love written in the center, coming out of a book with squiggly lines that turned into birds in the sky and wavy water at the bottom of the "page." The book sat on a tan "beach" with dark brown specs for sand. On the sand was a teacup that held rainbow water and had three colorful flowers coming out of it. A multi-colored sunset was at the top, and on the right side of the paper was my mini-abstract portrait of my son's smiling face in a frame that had Goofy Gavin going down the side. I also added a sushi roll that looked like the letter C beside the teacup on the beach. Oh! And a bar of dark chocolate. My abstract Happy painting definitely enforces there is artist in my brain.


While he was watching an animal show I retreated to my bedroom, my solace, and started working on my other task for today that I got from Pinterest. I have a notebook dedicated to each of my stories and since Love is a Fickle Thing needs to get finished ASAP per my annoyance and ready to move on to other stories, I started working on that. I got the idea from an article I found through Pinterest about writing down 10 things your character will never know that goes on in the story. So, I went from 100 Things to 10 Things as a challenge. First, I wrote the full plot summary and outline for LIAFT since I have decided to combine Book One and Book Two into one complete novel rather than two separate books. Then, I started filling out the 10 Things Romaine Will Never Know list, counting down from 10 to 1 and was quite surprised by some of the things that came up. I am glad Romaine will not know some of them. I didn't know Violet could be so vicious, though the secret could have been comical if written, but I don't think it is necessary for the story to progress...just maybe a helpful bit of insight into Violet. I like knowing things Romaine doesn't know. I like knowing things the reader will not know. I did not think the 10 things task would be that inspiring and open up so much of that world for me that has been so difficult to get back into. I am almost getting excited to write again, and it even made me want to write a 10 Things for my character in Legacy of Lockwood Hills. I see her perfectly in my head, almost a blur of the image I initially had and a girl I know. Her silence in her hoody with lip pierced and blue/black hair with the purple streak is almost screaming to me to come give her attention.


Tasks accomplished today, and bonus of inspiration bubbling and beginning to ooze out. YAY!!!

Creating Roots

I have been on quite a journey my entire life. The journey has not slowed down any the past few years, particularly the past seven months since I've been married. One thing after another with twists, dips, and lurches in-between. Every day is something new. Some new revelation, realization, and struggle or triumph in the journey of my life.


Two months and seven days until I turn another year older. Age ticks by like a taunting demon smacking its lips saying "You'll never do it. You're just wasting time and space." And I am. But I'm not. I have not been able to pay attention to what I would like, but have realized I needed to focus solely on particular issues and areas of my life. Namely, learning how to be a wife, learning how to love and what love - true, unconditional love - really is, letting go of my past wounds, tying up loose ends, resolving toxic situations, healing, and then FINALLY getting to rest in the joy of being a mother. So long I have been a struggling single mother and now I am just struggling to take a deep breath and ease back into the comfort of what mothering should be about, into the security that comes from being in a happy,  healthy, and stable marriage, of having a wonderfully supportive husband, of finally being able to not only devote my attention and get into homeschooling more, but to be the mother I always wanted to be and couldn't. I no longer have to shoulder the daily burdens of life alone. I am free to enjoy life, love, my son, my husband, and...me?


I have realized recently that for so long I was under some sort of oppression; first mentally abusive family, then "mental disorders," then bad relationships, then single parenthood, and poverty. I have been set free, but I am still struggling to let go of that slave mentality. I am learning to step outside and bask in the sunshine. That the rug isn't going to get pulled out from under my feet. That I can trust this love and this life I have been so graciously rewarded with. I am struggling to learn what it is to take care of myself. To be "normal." I have been fighting to survive in some way nearly my whole life, now I am fighting to let go and breathe.


My husband and I are pretty stable in our new marriage. My son has gotten settled in this new life and the awesomeness that comes with it. We are still working on a set routine, but that will come. We are settled in our new church and anxious for the opening opportunities. Now, I realize, it is time to start devoting some attention on myself. WOW!!! I am learning to not feel guilty about that too.
I have to get back to my roots and what really makes my soul tick. Creativity. Creating. Anything.
It is what makes me feel most alive and most me. Whether paint dried on my hands, charcoal smudges on my fingers, dancing, singing, playing piano, writing stories, taking pictures, or simply just enjoying good music or the colors and sceneries in life. That is my pulse. I have been nearly dead a very long time and I am delighting at the opportunity to go back to the roots and start from scratch, building myself up along the way into the woman I was always meant to be, but that was always stifled by someone or something.


This new season in life is kind of awesome.


I have started a mini-challenge to do something creative or intentionally for me each day. Something intentionally enjoyable. Enjoy a cup of coffee or my favorite drink of Peppermint Tea. Read a blog. Read something challenging. Read something inspiring. Look at inspiring pictures. Read to my son. Color with him. Create something with him. Dance with him. Examine a flower. Breathe and just be for ten or so minutes. Lie on my bed and do absolutely nothing and feel absolutely no guilt for doing so. Give myself, and my son, a break. Don't freak if we don't get all the schoolwork/chores/tasks done in one day. Try cooking with a spice or herb in a new way. Walk barefoot outside. . . and I could go on and on with all the ways to purposefully be present and embrace each day; to embrace the ME in each day.


I have also purposed to start my blogging again.


So much has been kept bottled up inside of me and that is a stopper to my creativity.


Until next time...