Creating Roots

I have been on quite a journey my entire life. The journey has not slowed down any the past few years, particularly the past seven months since I've been married. One thing after another with twists, dips, and lurches in-between. Every day is something new. Some new revelation, realization, and struggle or triumph in the journey of my life.


Two months and seven days until I turn another year older. Age ticks by like a taunting demon smacking its lips saying "You'll never do it. You're just wasting time and space." And I am. But I'm not. I have not been able to pay attention to what I would like, but have realized I needed to focus solely on particular issues and areas of my life. Namely, learning how to be a wife, learning how to love and what love - true, unconditional love - really is, letting go of my past wounds, tying up loose ends, resolving toxic situations, healing, and then FINALLY getting to rest in the joy of being a mother. So long I have been a struggling single mother and now I am just struggling to take a deep breath and ease back into the comfort of what mothering should be about, into the security that comes from being in a happy,  healthy, and stable marriage, of having a wonderfully supportive husband, of finally being able to not only devote my attention and get into homeschooling more, but to be the mother I always wanted to be and couldn't. I no longer have to shoulder the daily burdens of life alone. I am free to enjoy life, love, my son, my husband, and...me?


I have realized recently that for so long I was under some sort of oppression; first mentally abusive family, then "mental disorders," then bad relationships, then single parenthood, and poverty. I have been set free, but I am still struggling to let go of that slave mentality. I am learning to step outside and bask in the sunshine. That the rug isn't going to get pulled out from under my feet. That I can trust this love and this life I have been so graciously rewarded with. I am struggling to learn what it is to take care of myself. To be "normal." I have been fighting to survive in some way nearly my whole life, now I am fighting to let go and breathe.


My husband and I are pretty stable in our new marriage. My son has gotten settled in this new life and the awesomeness that comes with it. We are still working on a set routine, but that will come. We are settled in our new church and anxious for the opening opportunities. Now, I realize, it is time to start devoting some attention on myself. WOW!!! I am learning to not feel guilty about that too.
I have to get back to my roots and what really makes my soul tick. Creativity. Creating. Anything.
It is what makes me feel most alive and most me. Whether paint dried on my hands, charcoal smudges on my fingers, dancing, singing, playing piano, writing stories, taking pictures, or simply just enjoying good music or the colors and sceneries in life. That is my pulse. I have been nearly dead a very long time and I am delighting at the opportunity to go back to the roots and start from scratch, building myself up along the way into the woman I was always meant to be, but that was always stifled by someone or something.


This new season in life is kind of awesome.


I have started a mini-challenge to do something creative or intentionally for me each day. Something intentionally enjoyable. Enjoy a cup of coffee or my favorite drink of Peppermint Tea. Read a blog. Read something challenging. Read something inspiring. Look at inspiring pictures. Read to my son. Color with him. Create something with him. Dance with him. Examine a flower. Breathe and just be for ten or so minutes. Lie on my bed and do absolutely nothing and feel absolutely no guilt for doing so. Give myself, and my son, a break. Don't freak if we don't get all the schoolwork/chores/tasks done in one day. Try cooking with a spice or herb in a new way. Walk barefoot outside. . . and I could go on and on with all the ways to purposefully be present and embrace each day; to embrace the ME in each day.


I have also purposed to start my blogging again.


So much has been kept bottled up inside of me and that is a stopper to my creativity.


Until next time...