Pushing Forward

It is amazing what happens when I purposefully set aside time to myself and retreat into my writing. I started by utilizing what little time I had tonight while my little one was bathing and my husband was relaxing after work to read a few devotionals I have and write in my journal. I then utilized more time to write after my little one's bedtime and our family time. Then after a little break to get my big guy in bed and have our Love Dare devotions, I purged out more words for a total of over 5,000 words added to one of my upcoming stories. That is astounding to me and so long since I have done that. It feels "wonderful" to have done that and to be reminded that I CAN do it. Three years I believe it has been since I have churned out that much in one session. I am thrilled! 5,000 words equates to about seven pages. A great head start. I am still amazed at how much it just starts flowing out of me once I get my head geared into it and realizing I am not going to ever produce perfection in my first bits of writing. Even the best of writers have to constantly edit and re-write with multiple drafts in-between.


So why am I so hard on myself and have so many unrealistic expectations?!?!?!


I am my own worst enemy and biggest stumbling block.


I fill myself with all these unrealistic expectations and then when I can't meet them, and I don't think any real person could, then I use it as evidence to convince myself I can't. I self-sabotage.


Why?


I am afraid of success and I am afraid of failure.


It has come to my attention that I am not the only one out there that deals with this annoyance. I wish I could be "normal" and just do it, but it really is about why am I so afraid at succeeding?


I am afraid of putting myself out there.
I am afraid of doing all this work, investing all this time and effort, for it to flop or be wasted.
I am afraid of letting down my husband.
I am super afraid of letting down myself.
I am convinced I am a writer and that is what I am meant/was created to do, yet I am afraid of never succeeding at it, thus spending my whole life chasing unmet goals and forcing everyone to suffer through my pursuing of my dreams.
I am afraid of succeeding and being put into the spotlight with all the added pressure.
I am afraid of people expecting things out of me, like more success.
Really, to summarize, I am afraid. Simple as that.


Fear has always been an enemy of mine that I wore like a security blanket.


I am a recovering perfectionist with high expectations and I think I expect others to hold those same high expectations also.


I hate letting people down.


I hate feeling like a failure.


I am a fumbler in life, but I don't want to fail at my heart's desire.


I am working on this fear thing and learning to go with the flow, take the time allotted to me when I get it, even if it is just a half hour, and start pouring myself into writing, in whatever form. I am working on focusing on the journey instead of the destination. It is a journey to free-write my stories, purging them from my soul first before I try to prune and sort them into sensible creations. I must first work the clay before I can form it into the perfect piece of pottery. Why do I expect it to instantaneously poof into a vase? A seed doesn't turn into a fruit-bearing plant overnight. It all takes time. It is part of the process. I am learning to accept, enjoy, and embrace the process while pushing forward past my fears, breaking them apart as I move along.


Ooh it feels good!