Convictions and So-Called Freedom

     While lying on my bed suffering from pregnancy symptoms, an incident from a few days ago that upset me kept going around and around in my head, only reigniting those negative emotions. Something happened while in a group setting that was sprung on me and severely contrasted my convictions.


     Without going into detail, I found myself in a big dilemma of not wanting to be a part of anything that would compromise my convictions, yet also not wanting to create an awkward scene in this new setting where I would have to have a semi-long-term relationship. 


     My spirit and nearly everything within me wanted to jump up and flee. The longer I sat there, the worse it got, and I contemplated things over and over in my head. Each time I got the urge to jump up and run, another voice kept saying things like, "But what would they all think?" "They'll just think you're weird and a troublemaker," and things of the like.


     So what did I do? I sat there. Awkward and seriously uncomfortable, fidgeting and squirming like I had ants in my pants or something. I didn't watch the screen. I fidgeted in my bag. I kept my eyes anywhere other than the stuff on the screen that severely conflicted with my conscience and convictions. I hated it. But quick spur-of-the-moment situations like that do not go well with me. It seems I always choose wrong and feel guilty for being "weird."


     Upon reflection, I see I could have handled that so much better, because really, I did something horrible. It would be no different had I been a part of a group that committed a robbery, and I only stayed in the car, folding my hands, and making it obvious I didn't want to be there. I still stayed there and was a part of it. Therefore, I am guilty.


     That reflection brought me to tears because it then made me realize, if I couldn't even stand up for my convictions in something so "innocent" as this group setting was, then how in the world will I ever be able to stand up for the things that truly matter?! It shook me realizing I wouldn't. I am a coward. Still. My mind and heart may be set on the right things, but my body doesn't align.


     I have always been a pushover since I was little. Always just wanting to be liked and hating if I ever upset anyone. I thrived on peace. I don't like to be in the spotlight. I do not like attention on me. I like to blend in.


     Unfortunately, these days it seems that if you have a firm stance on anything, you are going to be rocking the boat if you don't go along with the crowd....and this is what it all comes down to:


     Will I hold strong to my beliefs and convictions even if I am all alone, persecuted, laughed at, and mocked? Or will I back down, stay silent, and be guilty by association by still being a part of what I know to not be right. Will I continue to blend in with the crowd? Or will I stay true to myself and my convictions and risk being in the spotlight I hate? Which is worse: being in the spotlight I hate for a noble reasons, or being a coward and being liked by the crowd? Which will I respect more? Which will I be okay with if my children follow in my footsteps?


     Looking at it like that, the answer is pretty simple. I will never be able to respect myself if I don't stand up for my convictions. Thus, I need a lot of help to get stronger in this area.


     I also have this crazy, perhaps Utopian, idea that we could live in a world that is respectful towards other people's convictions and doesn't try to bully them or force them in others ways to violate those convictions. In this instance, it would have been nice to be warned of what was coming in advance, yet I see a growing problem of a lack of sensitivity to others convictions.

     I believe that what once made America a great nation was the freedom of choice. There were ample opportunities here, a melting pot of people, a variety of cultural and ethnic influences, spiritual and other viewpoints, the variety and diversity, that made this place so great once.


     Yet very rapidly our freedom of choice is being stripped away, so that those with convictions are forced to conform or pay a steep price. There is no choice anymore, except for how we choose to get punished, by bowing down and losing our self-respect or facing fines, jail time, or worse.


     My Utopian idea is that whatever side of an issue someone is on, they would have respect and a right to their convictions. Vaccinate or no vaccinations, organic/vegan or standard American toxic diet, same-sex or traditional marriage, homeschool or public school, classical or modern music, etc., People should have the right to be able to hold to their convictions without being bullied or forced to violate those convictions... just my wild and crazy idea. There should be a respect on both sides of an issue without one forcing the other.


     In the situation I just faced, I could have handled it better by stepping out of the room and politely saying what was going on went against my convictions so I couldn't partake and it might be a good idea in the future if they warned people in advance in case of any such convictions. See, I don't have to go shouting and stomping my way around about how uncomfortable and violated I felt. I don't have to create a dramatic uproar, bring in news cameras, or sue. I could simple walk out and leave for good if need be, or better yet, let them know of my concern so maybe they will be more respectful and sensitive to that in the future. No arguing or bullying. It's really very simple.


     Standing up for a conviction does not mean bullying, shouting, protesting, bringing in the media circus, or crushing the one who offended me or made me uncomfortable. It means sticking to my convictions while maintain love and respect for the other person or people. It means hopefully finding a way to meet in the middle and resolve it like adults, another thing that is dying along with freedom of choice.


     If I get offended that someone won't make a cake I want, I can simply take my business elsewhere. If someone is convicted that my lifestyle choice is wrong and won't issue me a marriage license with my love, I can go to another county to file for it. If a restaurant serves only meat or GMO food with no other options, I can leave a suggestion and ask for healthier options or try another restaurant. If it offends your friend to eat pork, don't serve pork chops for dinner. Meet in the middle if at all possible. Both sides need to give as far as the respect goes. It's really a simple idea that for some reason seems so profound these days.


     Compassion, respect, courtesy. To force anyone to violate their convictions is wrong. Simple as that...in my wild and crazy opinion.