The past month has been a blur among nausea and fatigue. Just when I feel those symptoms are lessening, I get a really bad cold that knocks me off my feet again. I am close to my second trimester and hoping I will get back to semi-normal and get to exercise more and get more accomplished in my day. I find it very difficult to just sit still and do nothing. If I'm not doing something, I feel I am wasting my time, and that is not acceptable to me...especially when there is always so much to do. Homeschooling my son properly takes up a bulk of the day, and then I have my own school work on top of it. Thankfully I chose only 2 classes this time and 1 for the remainder of the Fall semester. Then there is a house to clean, food to throw together, random tasks to tackle, books to write, and household projects that need to get done, as well as making room for baby.
I share that to say that in the past month, I have learned that there is a perfect design to pregnancy. I was a frantic overachiever before this pregnancy that never took much time to take care of myself. Nearly seven years as a single mom will do that; ultimate non-stop survival mode. Though I have been married for just close to 10 months now, I still struggled with stopping to breathe and take care of myself, and feeling guilty if I wasn't always focused on productivity.
With this pregnancy, and being so sick day-in-day-out, I find myself getting excited when I can vacuum the house, or get all the laundry done in one day, or cook a nice meal. All things that I pressured myself to do all day every day never giving myself a break and forcing upon myself unrealistic expectations that I never could quite meet. Now, I am realizing that if I only make one really nice meal a week, and have leftovers or freezer meals the rest of the time, that is okay, and kind of makes that one really nice meal even nicer. I even got so excited the other day when I was able to go to the library, and the bank, and the store, and didn't get sick or feel like I was going to pass out. The little things I used to take for granted I no longer do. They are suddenly big things that lead to a sense of great accomplishment, and I am forced to take care of myself, the biggest thing I have been neglecting for a long time.
I may not get all my son's homeschooling done in one day, and that's ok. He is still learning, and that is the beauty of homeschool; flexibility. I have thrown away my schedule, and the best I can hope for is to get a little of the most important things done. That's the biggest thing I've learned in this sudden upheaval of my life, what is really important. It's not crossing all the things off my To-Do list, but making every moment count. The precious moments of snuggling with my son and having him read to me are no longer rushed and squeezed between all of my tasks. There is a beauty to this pregnancy. It makes me stop and slow down, really seeing again all of the blessings in my life that I started to take for granted and get blind to.
Amid getting sick and having to rest either in bed or sitting for the bulk of my day and feeling like I have a non-stop flu sometimes, I am grateful for this time; not only that in the end I will be rewarded with something so precious, but that I am learning to take care of me and focus only on what really matters, letting go of the guilt in the process. I hope I can share these lessons and that you, whoever you are that may be reading this, will learn to take the time in each day for what REALLY matters, and that some big life change doesn't have to force you to do so.
Make every moment count, but only on what really matters.
Don't overlook the beauty and blessings that are already in your life.
Until next time,
~ Crystal
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