Another Year, Another NaNoWriMo

     I am determined this year.

     I have been through so much and feel like I am finally gaining ground on becoming the woman I know is in me, the one that was in me even when I was a little girl, but has struggled to break out of that shell. I am in the cocoon phase trying to break free so I can be the butterfly I was meant to be.

     There are so many challenges and areas of my life I am focusing on. All of them, actually.

     I am struggling with all of them too and learning that every moment of every day is a continual challenge of making either productive of destructive choices; ones that either get me closer to my goals or further away.

     Currently, I am so tired, my baby is napping, and I am faced with that dilemma of "do I nap now so I can have more energy to tackle my tasks later like cleaning house, cooking dinner, going to the gym, and staying up late to write, or do I work now so maybe I can get a little more sleep later?" Parenthood is never easy, nor is lack of sleep and life in general... but I'm getting there and I'm definitely growing.

     Ok, determination and progress are my key words this year. I have one year left before I turn thirty. Less than that. I am realizing I will likely never have it "all together" since life keeps throwing me curveballs and just when I get the hang of something it all changes again. I am in a constant state of "recomputing" and trying to figure out what the heck to do to get it right and not let all my balls in the air come crashing down. Eep!

     Progress.
     Determination.
     One wobbly step in front of the other.
     Repeat.

     I am trying to make a conscious effort of surrounding myself with beauty and things that remind me of beauty, things that inspire me, and things that help me focus on making my dreams into realities.

     Nature, instrumental music, butterflies in my garden, cool breeze, homemade tea and herbal remedies, feeling the sun on my face...

     I am realizing that in order to create beauty I must continually experience it in varying forms in different ways. That old saying rings true 'You are what you eat.' If I fill myself up on noise, distraction, the garbage of life then how can I produce beautiful things and be beautiful myself? I believe we are products of our environments in different ways. I am trying so hard to make our home beautiful too, a sanctuary as we feel it is meant to be, but moving into a new home with a newborn and all those other life challenges makes it difficult, as well as keeping up with everything else.

     I have learned to not be afraid to ask for help. It's not a pride thing, it's really an 'I'm so sick of everyone judging me and turning up their noses at me for being human' kind of a thing. Ok, not everyone, but certain people whom I am "close" to like to tear me apart in different ways, or they are pleasant to my face then rip me apart and twist things behind my back. So tired of it. That's one thing I'm learning to let go of. Realizing I have the power to say NO to toxic people. When it begins to destroy my life and all that I feel God is having me to do, then it's time to let go and say NO. Draw those lines, set the boundaries, and keep my eyes fixed on the goal.

     NaNoWriMo is just another challenge to add to my growing pot.
I planned on writing anyway and this is an excellent push and support system for that. I will never finish if I don't start. I will never continue if I don't surround myself with a positive environment. For writing, it is NaNoWriMo. For getting healthy, it is going to the gym and subscribing to plant-based athlete emails and reading articles. For parenting and homeschool, it is joining Facebook communities for homeschooling parents and reading articles and comments from people who are like-minded and can help me prioritize and let go of unrealistic expectations. For life, it is trying to spend more alone time with God, in prayer and reading the Bible... and sometimes, it's knowing when it's ok to just throw in the towel for the day and say "I'm done. I'm not cleaning. I'm not stressing. I'm also not cooking dinner." Take-out, movies, walks outside in the fresh air, and being in bed are sometimes the best ways to get balanced.

     One step at a time.
     Progress.
     Determination.

     If you take two steps forward and one step back, at least you'll still wind up being one step ahead.


     Walk on, my friends.

Until next time...