I Have A Confession To Make...

     I'm going to throw it out there... because I know I'm not alone.

I struggle with insecurity, anxiety, and trying hard to feel good about myself and like I have something to offer this world. I struggle with keeping my head held high when I just want to slink into the background. I struggle to initiate conversations and communications with people when there is a voice in my head telling me no one really cares that much about me anyway. I find that the closer I am to fulfilling the purpose I was created for on this earth, the louder that voice screams telling me everything it can to keep me, and my gifts, hidden from this world.

My gift is my voice; not my vocal speaking voice, but the heart, soul, and spirit that make up who I am that can connect to people in this world who need some encouragement and a reminder that God created them with a purpose...

I get lost sometimes when I am beaten down... but God reminds me of this:

Ephesians 6:12 (KJV)
¹² For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I have God's voice encouraging me and the Devil trying to destroy me and bring up past insecurities that are lies.

The Devil wants to keep us hidden. If we are hidden, we don't shine the special Light God places in each of us when we become His disciples. If there is no Light, Darkness takes over...

The Devil also likes to keep us disconnected, isolated, and feeling alone. The saying is true, most of the time, that there is strength in numbers. The Enemy likes to use our weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and insecurities to tell us we aren't worth it, aren't good enough, aren't smart enough, etc., all to keep us from taking that leap of faith in truly living for God and shining for Him. Think about it...

Do you struggle with those feelings? Do you notice it may be around times when you are finally feeling good and ready to do whatever you feel God is calling you to do? Now, if you aren't a follower of Christ and have no clue of what I am talking about, keep reading because it is still applicable...

Here's another big confession for a huge insecurity of mine... puns intended.

I have struggled with my weight and health since I was little.

It's the quickest way to get at me and cause me to hide in the shadows. I grew up with teasing. Being the butt of the jokes, the girl no one wanted to date, the one that got picked on and teased, picked last, and so on.

I spent many years holding back tears inside while trying to keep a stony face on the outside while people cut me down with words... family members too. It ate away at the inside. On top of other issues going on in my life, I became completely broken inside feeling I had absolutely no worth.

I still struggle with those feelings sometimes... especially when I am just about to take big leaps in the right direction.

I have been determined to get fit for a very long time, yet every single time I got to the point where I saw results, I would shy away, step back, and lose the momentum I had gain. I've done that with everything. Self-sabotage. It goes back to those feelings of not being good or worthy enough... And also of not wanting to be in the spotlight... and not wanting people to deflate me just like they always do when I finally start feeling good about myself and head in the right direction.

You know what though... the older I get, the shorter my patience gets with that stuff. I don't want to spend any more of my life hiding in the shadows or being the only one that's holding me back.

I have already overcome so many obstacles in life. I may be weak at times, struggle, and fail... but I'm a fighter and I never truly give up.

Are you like me?

Are you a warrior inside ready to be let out?

Go for it!

I'm going to start sharing my journey towards a better me and I really hope that not only will I inspire some people along the way, but that some might actually reach out to me and we can do this together. We all need encouragement and support when we are trying to better ourselves.

So... the main purpose of this post is to start holding myself accountable.

I took a big leap 5 months ago when I invested the money by getting a gym membership. It was a huge commitment to myself... especially since I had just had a baby... and just officially moved into our new home and I became a first time home owner... and especially since I was taking online courses for my degree full time and homeschooling my oldest child and trying to pursue some of my passions to turn those into realities...

There was no consistency for quite a while and only now am getting on somewhat of a schedule. I've been to the gym at all hours, seriously. 11 p.m. 2 a.m. 4 a.m. and so on. Whenever I could, whenever my husband could take over for me and watch our kids. I would be so exhausted, still am sometimes, but I do it anyway. The result so far, I am actually gaining weight instead of losing, but I'm not freaking out about it. I know I am gaining muscle. I see it, feel it, and see the results when I am at the gym and keep increasing the weights I'm lifting. Soon, the pounds will start dropping. I've done diets and fitness routines and nothing ever worked for me for long. Yo-yo dieting and fitness plans. Then I finally realized it has got to be about an entire lifestyle overhaul, including my mindset. It can't just be about reaching a certain number on the scale or looking a certain way. If I'm always comparing myself to others, I'm always going to lose, and that's not exactly a healthy mindset anyway. We need to focus on competing only with ourselves. So that's what I've been doing, and it's finally working.

Instead of burning out, I'm only getting more and more motivated, despite exhaustion.

Tonight, after being so tired and ready for bed, I went to the gym to get my workout in. I had a goal on the stairmaster of 14 floors. I struggled so hard to make it to that, but something happened. As much as my body was screaming, I kept pushing, telling myself I wasn't going to die yet. One more step. One more step. I didn't focus on the goal that seemed so hard to get to. I just focused on one more step, and one more step, and one more step. Until... I saw GOAL ACHIEVED on the machine's screen. I was so pumped that I kept going... and going. One more step. One more step... until I reached 511 steps and 32 floors!!! For some, that may be nothing. For me, that was HUGE. My goal is to reach 100 floors and I feel like I am well on my way. I actually had to force myself to stop because my goal is not to push myself so hard that I burn myself out, but that I keep doing enough to stay encouraged.

Now, my legs are definitely feeling it and I know tomorrow will be so hard to peel myself out of bed, but inside I feel AWESOME. Strong. Like that warrior is getting ready to do some serious damage and shine some bright Light in this world. I felt like each step taken tonight, each rep lifted on the different weight machines, and every other positive choice I've made regarding my health and well-being is a punch in the Enemy's face and a punch to my insecurity.

Please, keep going. Whatever it is. Whatever your goals are, those things you know you need to do but keep letting fear or fatigue or whatever else get in the way. Just start with one step in the right direction. Then keep going, one step at a time. Don't focus on how far you have to go, just focus on that one step. When you reach that, then do the next one.

What are you waiting for?!

Until next time...