Catching Up While Falling Behind

     It is a little hard for me to grasp that my last blog entry was three months ago, and yet it almost seems like forever since I have sat down to collect my thoughts. It sure has been a whirlwind since the last time I sat down to breathe. I see a pattern that my posts frequently seem to be more on Sundays than any other day.

     We began our hunt for property with the intention of buying land then spending the rest of this year building up on it with hopes of moving into our own customized mobile home by the end of the year. Instead, we got super-stressed feeling in over our heads and realized the expense of building up would wind up costing us the same or more than a pre-made house. I will share more of our house story later and how God saw us through every step of it, but for now I will simply summarize. We found a house, we bought the house, for the past few weeks we have been homeowners and dealing with the madness of moving into our new home, out of our old one, and adjusting to life with a newborn. All our blessings, but all our very challenging. We also sold one of our vehicles leaving us only one, which makes it more challenging to move.

     It seems like there has been one thing after another, seriously. Then I learn that on top of drama that comes with certain family members, a few of them seem to believe, or at least are spreading it around, that I and my family are in a cult. Seriously! It is laughable, but it still is damaging if people actually believe that garbage. I wish I could just be over this mess, like never have to deal with it again, but I see it is not part of God's plan yet. What the Enemy intends for evil, God will use for good if we let it. I am getting stronger. This stuff weakens me and no matter how strong I get, it still hurts even more that these people who claim to love me are really just destroying me in different ways. It makes me be a better parent and helps me to love others more. It makes me appreciate that I'm not a phony and aids in my refinement of being more Christ-like, because my sole effort in parenting and my character/relationships is to do exactly the opposite of what these people do. By doing that I become more like Christ, which is the ultimate goal anyway. More of Him, less of me.

     This has been a time of great transition in all of our lives. I am exhausted in so many ways and overwhelmed with the tasks at hand that build and while having to endure on little to no sleep. I assume I can speak for my husband in that he is feeling the same. Our eight year old seems to be feeling the effects too. Since the baby has been born and we've been dealing with all of the house stuff there has been very little of a routine or schedule. It has just been survival, especially in the first few weeks when I was recovering from childbirth and in a great amount of pain. Now, it's just exhaustion, so longing and needing breaks, and the growing heap, literally, of stuff to do and not enough time or energy to do it.

     If we didn't have God I really don't see how we could make it through this process.

     My husband and I are learning how to work individually and as a team through all of this. We are much better working as a team. As hard as it is, as stressful and exhausting, I feel great triumph and am growing to love him even more when we are able to work through the frustrating and overwhelming times. I think it is a great testimony that we can pull through and still love each other when we have nothing left to give.

     I kind of wish things could be like the communities in the older days where when one was going through a difficult time, or had a celebration like a newborn, the community would rally together to bless that family and offer support, bring over cooked meals, run errands, etc. There seems to be none of that anymore. Everyone is going their own ways, too busy for this and that, or just so caught up in the noise and busy-ness of life that it all passes by, along with the opportunities to bless others. Going through situations like these makes me more determined and mindful of how to and the importance of being a blessing to others; of seeing needs or ways to bless others and just doing that. All part of God's plan right?! ;-)

     Our baby boy is a blessing, but it doesn't mean it's easy. He is the child I knew in my heart I was supposed to have and I have longed for him for many years. Much like my husband, I knew him long before he ever came into my life physically. I'm not one of those magazine moms where everything looks perfect. I'm not like that and no matter how hard I may try I will never be, and that's ok. I'm a real mom. Flour smudged on face and hair, clothes askew, babbling incoherently, burning stuff on the stove with piles of laundry and falling asleep in strange places. Ok, not entirely, but that most accurately depicts me than the 'Magazine Mom.' I get stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, feel I'm not good enough as a mom, feel like it's impossible, feel I'm failing, etc. but you know what, that's okay too. I'm learning and I'm growing. That's the point. Progress. My kids are still taken care of even if I'm not. I'm learning. My husband is a huge help. I'm learning how to let go, breathe, and embrace the messes and chaos of daily life. So my house isn't spotless and we may all be fussy at the same time... so what?! God has blessed us abundantly with all we need, and we must remember the goal of life is not to please others or impress them, but to please and impress God with our love and obedience towards Him. Nothing else matters.
    
     When I die, I will not regret that I did not keep my house spotless or that I didn't look like Magazine Mom. I will regret not making more messes with my kids, not laughing more, not embracing the crazy moments to laugh and flirt with my husband, not reaching out to others just because I was overwhelmed or exhausted myself. I try to focus on what I would regret and adjust accordingly. I'm still learning to laugh more and enjoy life more. There is truly so much beauty around us, but I get how hard it is sometimes to fully let it in. We must though, otherwise we miss out on so many of the best things in life. A child's smile, a newborn, making cooking or art messes with kids, dancing with the husband in the middle of a messy kitchen, etc.

     Breathe. Smell. Love. Give. Learn. Grow. Embrace. Repeat.


Peace,

~ The Starving-For-Sleep Artist ~