I'm Back

It's been a while... since I've posted anything, since I've allowed myself to stop and really reflect and then share. I've been in hiding. I've been participating in much needed time away to reflect, confront, and go further on the path to healing.

I think I'm ready now to come back.

I've spent long enough in the shadows dealing with the darkness. It's time to step out into the light, for good.

It's been a long emotional journey since the beginning of this year.

I truly had no idea just what a journey I would have to take, and honestly, I'm still recuperating from it. Some days, I feel just fine. Others, like today, it hits me real hard and I struggle to hold tight to the momentum I've gained, to the progress I've made.

I'm learning that there are going to be seasons. There will be valleys and mountains. There will be seasons of wilderness for discovery, and there will be seasons of growth, seasons of resting, etc. I'm learning that healing is a process and I can't rightly expect to be fully recovered in only a few years after a lifetime of injury. It's just not logical, and wounds to the mind and heart take so much longer to heal than that of physical injuries. I naively thought I could just declare I am healed and changed and so create my new life of recovery. It is so not how it is. Recovery is a long painful process. I thought the pain was limited to when the blows were actually being dealt, but then I think back to every physical injury I've ever sustained. Somehow, it seems to hurt more in the healing process. The bruising hurts, the wound starts throbbing as it heals and the pain can be even more excruciating than the initial trauma.

Recovery means closing the door to the abuser and beginning to sort through all the baggage, one painful piece at a time, healing slowly as each area is dealt with. Recovery is a process. I hope it is one that will be over soon and I will have successfully passed, but in listening to other's who are where I am, I see that it may be lifelong. Trauma shapes an individual. It rewrites the story. There is no erasing it neat and clean like it never existed. It leaves marks. Permanent scars. The wounds heal, but some evidence remains. A person injured in a car wreck will always be a person who survived a car wreck, even long after the accident happened. I am learning that this is part of my identity now, as much as I wish my story were different. It is a part of me. Just like mother's who miscarry their precious babies. That baby was and will always be a part of them. It is now a part of their story and can never be erased.

My story is now uniquely my own, though not uncommon. I am learning more and more how common it is, how I am not alone, and how normal it is in a very sad way.

I'm still partly numb and partly just trying to get through each day as it comes and the new emotions and challenges that come with it.

I'm learning each day, at almost 30, how to do this thing called life. I am learning what it means to function healthily in society and at home. I am learning that home doesn't have to mean the place we run from, but should be the place we run to; that real love doesn't hurt, but helps lift up. I am learning so much about what is healthy and unhealthy in life, what is normal and not okay. That is part of recovery too. As I approach 30 in less than a month, I'm still struggling to accept this new life where it is safe to be me and crawl out of the shadows. I'm accepting I do have worth and value. I'm accepting that the people that hurt me were the ones with the problem, not that I was the problem like they tried so hard to convince me of throughout my life. I'm learning that family means more than blood and real love is a sanctuary from the storms of life, not the warped version I had where "love" and "family" were what crushed me and put the knife in my hands convincing me I was never good enough and better off dead. I'm learning that very few people really care about others (me) when it doesn't fit into their pretty idea of what they think things should be. Few people are willing to stick it out through the muddy times, sit with me through tears, and help me back on my feet when I fall... but OH those few people are SO precious.

I will write. I will speak up for those that didn't have a voice and are like I was. I will be an advocate for the abused children and spouses. I will be a Light helping lead people out of the Darkness. I will use every pain I ever endured to help provide healing for others. I will not let anything cripple me or keep me back. I am not a victim. I am a warrior. I will not be bullied into silence. I will not be manipulated with guilt trips or controlling fear tactics any longer. I will not listen to the voice of the Enemy speaking through the people who should love and protect me the most. For as much negative as was done to and intended for me, I will spread ten, a hundred, a thousand-fold of positive back into this world to combat those negatives. They thought they were crushing me. They were only refining me and making me stronger than ever. It doesn't mean I'm not weak or that I'm unbreakable. It simply means I won't ever stop trying. I refuse to let them take any more from me than they already have.

I was broken.

I am broken.

I am now in recovery.

I am in the process of being healed.

It is a part of my story.

It is not THE story.

My story is not over.

It has only just begun!

I Have A Confession To Make...

     I'm going to throw it out there... because I know I'm not alone.

I struggle with insecurity, anxiety, and trying hard to feel good about myself and like I have something to offer this world. I struggle with keeping my head held high when I just want to slink into the background. I struggle to initiate conversations and communications with people when there is a voice in my head telling me no one really cares that much about me anyway. I find that the closer I am to fulfilling the purpose I was created for on this earth, the louder that voice screams telling me everything it can to keep me, and my gifts, hidden from this world.

My gift is my voice; not my vocal speaking voice, but the heart, soul, and spirit that make up who I am that can connect to people in this world who need some encouragement and a reminder that God created them with a purpose...

I get lost sometimes when I am beaten down... but God reminds me of this:

Ephesians 6:12 (KJV)
¹² For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I have God's voice encouraging me and the Devil trying to destroy me and bring up past insecurities that are lies.

The Devil wants to keep us hidden. If we are hidden, we don't shine the special Light God places in each of us when we become His disciples. If there is no Light, Darkness takes over...

The Devil also likes to keep us disconnected, isolated, and feeling alone. The saying is true, most of the time, that there is strength in numbers. The Enemy likes to use our weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and insecurities to tell us we aren't worth it, aren't good enough, aren't smart enough, etc., all to keep us from taking that leap of faith in truly living for God and shining for Him. Think about it...

Do you struggle with those feelings? Do you notice it may be around times when you are finally feeling good and ready to do whatever you feel God is calling you to do? Now, if you aren't a follower of Christ and have no clue of what I am talking about, keep reading because it is still applicable...

Here's another big confession for a huge insecurity of mine... puns intended.

I have struggled with my weight and health since I was little.

It's the quickest way to get at me and cause me to hide in the shadows. I grew up with teasing. Being the butt of the jokes, the girl no one wanted to date, the one that got picked on and teased, picked last, and so on.

I spent many years holding back tears inside while trying to keep a stony face on the outside while people cut me down with words... family members too. It ate away at the inside. On top of other issues going on in my life, I became completely broken inside feeling I had absolutely no worth.

I still struggle with those feelings sometimes... especially when I am just about to take big leaps in the right direction.

I have been determined to get fit for a very long time, yet every single time I got to the point where I saw results, I would shy away, step back, and lose the momentum I had gain. I've done that with everything. Self-sabotage. It goes back to those feelings of not being good or worthy enough... And also of not wanting to be in the spotlight... and not wanting people to deflate me just like they always do when I finally start feeling good about myself and head in the right direction.

You know what though... the older I get, the shorter my patience gets with that stuff. I don't want to spend any more of my life hiding in the shadows or being the only one that's holding me back.

I have already overcome so many obstacles in life. I may be weak at times, struggle, and fail... but I'm a fighter and I never truly give up.

Are you like me?

Are you a warrior inside ready to be let out?

Go for it!

I'm going to start sharing my journey towards a better me and I really hope that not only will I inspire some people along the way, but that some might actually reach out to me and we can do this together. We all need encouragement and support when we are trying to better ourselves.

So... the main purpose of this post is to start holding myself accountable.

I took a big leap 5 months ago when I invested the money by getting a gym membership. It was a huge commitment to myself... especially since I had just had a baby... and just officially moved into our new home and I became a first time home owner... and especially since I was taking online courses for my degree full time and homeschooling my oldest child and trying to pursue some of my passions to turn those into realities...

There was no consistency for quite a while and only now am getting on somewhat of a schedule. I've been to the gym at all hours, seriously. 11 p.m. 2 a.m. 4 a.m. and so on. Whenever I could, whenever my husband could take over for me and watch our kids. I would be so exhausted, still am sometimes, but I do it anyway. The result so far, I am actually gaining weight instead of losing, but I'm not freaking out about it. I know I am gaining muscle. I see it, feel it, and see the results when I am at the gym and keep increasing the weights I'm lifting. Soon, the pounds will start dropping. I've done diets and fitness routines and nothing ever worked for me for long. Yo-yo dieting and fitness plans. Then I finally realized it has got to be about an entire lifestyle overhaul, including my mindset. It can't just be about reaching a certain number on the scale or looking a certain way. If I'm always comparing myself to others, I'm always going to lose, and that's not exactly a healthy mindset anyway. We need to focus on competing only with ourselves. So that's what I've been doing, and it's finally working.

Instead of burning out, I'm only getting more and more motivated, despite exhaustion.

Tonight, after being so tired and ready for bed, I went to the gym to get my workout in. I had a goal on the stairmaster of 14 floors. I struggled so hard to make it to that, but something happened. As much as my body was screaming, I kept pushing, telling myself I wasn't going to die yet. One more step. One more step. I didn't focus on the goal that seemed so hard to get to. I just focused on one more step, and one more step, and one more step. Until... I saw GOAL ACHIEVED on the machine's screen. I was so pumped that I kept going... and going. One more step. One more step... until I reached 511 steps and 32 floors!!! For some, that may be nothing. For me, that was HUGE. My goal is to reach 100 floors and I feel like I am well on my way. I actually had to force myself to stop because my goal is not to push myself so hard that I burn myself out, but that I keep doing enough to stay encouraged.

Now, my legs are definitely feeling it and I know tomorrow will be so hard to peel myself out of bed, but inside I feel AWESOME. Strong. Like that warrior is getting ready to do some serious damage and shine some bright Light in this world. I felt like each step taken tonight, each rep lifted on the different weight machines, and every other positive choice I've made regarding my health and well-being is a punch in the Enemy's face and a punch to my insecurity.

Please, keep going. Whatever it is. Whatever your goals are, those things you know you need to do but keep letting fear or fatigue or whatever else get in the way. Just start with one step in the right direction. Then keep going, one step at a time. Don't focus on how far you have to go, just focus on that one step. When you reach that, then do the next one.

What are you waiting for?!

Until next time...

Another Year, Another NaNoWriMo

     I am determined this year.

     I have been through so much and feel like I am finally gaining ground on becoming the woman I know is in me, the one that was in me even when I was a little girl, but has struggled to break out of that shell. I am in the cocoon phase trying to break free so I can be the butterfly I was meant to be.

     There are so many challenges and areas of my life I am focusing on. All of them, actually.

     I am struggling with all of them too and learning that every moment of every day is a continual challenge of making either productive of destructive choices; ones that either get me closer to my goals or further away.

     Currently, I am so tired, my baby is napping, and I am faced with that dilemma of "do I nap now so I can have more energy to tackle my tasks later like cleaning house, cooking dinner, going to the gym, and staying up late to write, or do I work now so maybe I can get a little more sleep later?" Parenthood is never easy, nor is lack of sleep and life in general... but I'm getting there and I'm definitely growing.

     Ok, determination and progress are my key words this year. I have one year left before I turn thirty. Less than that. I am realizing I will likely never have it "all together" since life keeps throwing me curveballs and just when I get the hang of something it all changes again. I am in a constant state of "recomputing" and trying to figure out what the heck to do to get it right and not let all my balls in the air come crashing down. Eep!

     Progress.
     Determination.
     One wobbly step in front of the other.
     Repeat.

     I am trying to make a conscious effort of surrounding myself with beauty and things that remind me of beauty, things that inspire me, and things that help me focus on making my dreams into realities.

     Nature, instrumental music, butterflies in my garden, cool breeze, homemade tea and herbal remedies, feeling the sun on my face...

     I am realizing that in order to create beauty I must continually experience it in varying forms in different ways. That old saying rings true 'You are what you eat.' If I fill myself up on noise, distraction, the garbage of life then how can I produce beautiful things and be beautiful myself? I believe we are products of our environments in different ways. I am trying so hard to make our home beautiful too, a sanctuary as we feel it is meant to be, but moving into a new home with a newborn and all those other life challenges makes it difficult, as well as keeping up with everything else.

     I have learned to not be afraid to ask for help. It's not a pride thing, it's really an 'I'm so sick of everyone judging me and turning up their noses at me for being human' kind of a thing. Ok, not everyone, but certain people whom I am "close" to like to tear me apart in different ways, or they are pleasant to my face then rip me apart and twist things behind my back. So tired of it. That's one thing I'm learning to let go of. Realizing I have the power to say NO to toxic people. When it begins to destroy my life and all that I feel God is having me to do, then it's time to let go and say NO. Draw those lines, set the boundaries, and keep my eyes fixed on the goal.

     NaNoWriMo is just another challenge to add to my growing pot.
I planned on writing anyway and this is an excellent push and support system for that. I will never finish if I don't start. I will never continue if I don't surround myself with a positive environment. For writing, it is NaNoWriMo. For getting healthy, it is going to the gym and subscribing to plant-based athlete emails and reading articles. For parenting and homeschool, it is joining Facebook communities for homeschooling parents and reading articles and comments from people who are like-minded and can help me prioritize and let go of unrealistic expectations. For life, it is trying to spend more alone time with God, in prayer and reading the Bible... and sometimes, it's knowing when it's ok to just throw in the towel for the day and say "I'm done. I'm not cleaning. I'm not stressing. I'm also not cooking dinner." Take-out, movies, walks outside in the fresh air, and being in bed are sometimes the best ways to get balanced.

     One step at a time.
     Progress.
     Determination.

     If you take two steps forward and one step back, at least you'll still wind up being one step ahead.


     Walk on, my friends.

Until next time...

My All Natural Birth Story: It Is Possible Ladies

    
     It has been six months since my precious, noisy, daredevil little dude escaped from the safety of my womb into this crazy world. I figured it was time to share our story for those who may be interested or benefit from it.

     I knew before I was pregnant this time that if I ever did become pregnant again I would do whatever it took to have either a home birth or one at a birth center. I refused to step foot in a hospital again to birth my baby after the traumatic experience of my first birth, if I could at all help it. I will reserve that story for a separate blog post on hospital vs. birth centers.

     There is a severe lack of birth centers in my location, two to be exact. The first one I went to did not work out for reasons I will mention in another post and wound up closing mid-pregnancy. The second I was referred to and was my perfect match. They shared my beliefs about childbirth and was very holistic/nature minded. I was so impressed. They offered nutrition classes, breastfeeding, essential oils, cloth diapers, and labor prep classes also. Since I was so sick during my pregnancy and having to drive all the way to Naples was not something we could do at those times I wasn't able to attend the classes. I wish I would have. We did pay for a labor and delivery class that worked with both my spouse and I to offer suggestions for positions, pain-relief techniques, and basically to help prep my husband on how to coach me through. We got to get comfortable in one of the rooms so we had more of a feel of it in preparation for the big day.

     With my first birth, I chose a natural birth with midwives that was based out of the hospital. I only had a mild painkiller that they said was the equivalent to two margaritas. It took the edge off, but was still without epidural or any of those other meds. This time, it was completely natural. I believe that God perfectly designed a woman's body to not only grow, but birth children. There are so many things that happen without us knowing. Our bodies, and the babies bodies, all prep for birth at the perfect time, getting things just right. I believe when man tries to intercede and treat it as a procedure or abnormal thing (like the hospital/doctor mindset is) is when things go wrong and I have a suspicion is what leads to an increase of postpartum depression. In a hospital, a woman is hooked up to an IV, basic rights and control of her and her baby's body taken away, and being forced to be injected with things or treated in very clinical and unnatural (unhealthy) ways, giving birth in the unnatural position of lying on one's back that goes against gravity making it harder to give birth leading to more tearing and also slows down labor leading to an increase in C-sections... and I could go on an on with the faulty methods and procedures of hospital births.

     I will also state that every birth center and every birth story is completely different and unique, so one must use caution and that good-ole Mom-gut to make decisions that are life-altering as this.

     My experience with the birth center was phenomenal. It was so nice going into each appointment where they greeted me by name and they took the time to answer any and every question I had, going in detail and making sure I was satisfied. It was never rushed and they deliberately scheduled enough time at appointments for questions and concerns. They never rushed through or made me feel like just a number or a paycheck to them. I was a person, a mom, and a woman who valued the natural process of childbearing. I was not treated as an idiot who knew less about my body and what was best for me and my baby than what a textbook could tell them. I loved that I had a voice. Hospitals and doctors don't give you one, at least not in my experience.

     So, at 39 weeks and safe to have baby I ordered Clary Sage essential oil. Clary Sage is something I was introduced to in the labor prep class and was told to not even sniff it because it could induce labor. Well, the night I received my Clary Sage oil was a Thursday. I had my usual bath of Epsom salt and lavender. My joints were so achy this pregnancy that I was in tears sometimes from about the 5th month on and my lovely midwife informed me of magnesium which does a lot of awesome stuff, but also helps to relieve joint paint, and it sure worked. Epsom salt contains magnesium, btw. I add the Clary Sage oil to my bath and soaked for quite a while. I was ready for my wee-one to come out and felt he was ready too. My body was hurting so bad anyway and I was afraid of tearing like I had experienced the first time around so I didn't want him getting any bigger before he came out. The next morning I woke up at 8 a.m. with labor pains. From then on it was the waiting game where the contractions started slowing down. I would try to rest, then try to walk, and keep things moving along. By the evening I was getting so discouraged thinking the contractions would go away altogether, but I kept sniffing the Clary Sage oil at different intervals and then Lavender to help relax myself, and the contractions were super strong after sniffing the Clary Sage. I was also warned by my midwives that the second time around I should expect a shorter labor time with more intense contractions. Boy were they!!!

     By 8 o'clock that night, I had my husband get some rest to prepare for whenever the real labor would actually come. I think I lasted until after midnight before I woke him. It hurt so much and was much more intense than when I was pregnant the first time. It took all I had to get through each contraction. I spent a lot of the time in labor in the shower, sniffing my lavender, timing contractions, hoping and praying it would be over soon. They were like mind-numbing. I never understood that term until my second time in labor. Whew! So, after talking to the midwife and getting her input, she wanted me to wait longer until they were stronger and closer together. When it got to that point it seemed like it was truly the point of no return and my baby was ready to get out. It was so quick after that. About 2:30 we gather everything and everyone. 3 ish we are driving to Naples (about a 35 min. drive) with me on my knees facing backwards in the driver's seat because of the intense contractions. We get there about 3:30 I think and I am hoping we make it on time because I just had this fear of not making it to the birth center to have my baby, or something going wrong.

     There were about 3 other moms in labor with me that night. We got taken to our room and immediately I was hit with more contractions. I barely had time to do anything or say anything between them except to motion for my husband to come over and help. The only thing that really helped me through, and we learned this technique through the labor prep class, was me on my knees holding a pillow or the birthing ball and him using both hands with all his force to press down on my lower back, and his poor arms were shaking with how hard he would press. It was truly labor for him also. The contractions were maddening and nothing really alleviated it. I barely had time to sniff my lavender before another would come on. I did ask for a mild pain reliever, but they didn't offer any and cautioned about how any pain reliever might slow down the labor and delivery process, so I had peace with that despite the intensity that I was not prepared for.

     I so wanted a water birth, but that didn't happen for two reasons. One, was because we did not get the room we originally wanted and for some strange reason the jets in that tub were not in the oval parts, but on the sides, thus I had to sit in the narrow part with my big belly during contractions to have the jets on me. It was not comfortable. The second reason was that I was only 90% effaced.

    By the time I really felt the pressure and knew my baby was ready whether I was fully effaced or not, I was in bed on my back begging my midwife to break my water because the pressure was so intense and I was ready to fully push. Both times in pregnancy my water had to be manually broken (It doesn't hurt, by the way, just pressure and like a little pinch). My sweet husband was holding my hand through it, getting me water to drink or wetting my head with a cold washcloth.

     The thing I loved about my midwives and the family-type setting they provide, is that there is nothing much more intimate than having your midwife manually holding back the part of your cervix that is blocking the way for the baby to come out while you push. Seriously. I was grateful to have already gotten to know them so well and feel comfortable with them. Otherwise, that would have really stunk to have to trust someone that much in that awkward of a position whom I had just met.

     Moving on, my water was broke, my midwife was holding open my cervix so my sweet baby could come through and I was so exhausted. I was afraid of tearing so I asked my midwife for advice on a better position and she recommended getting on my knees on the bed and facing the wall with my back towards them while I held onto a pillow. That was how I had my baby and so much better than lying on my back going against gravity and my body's design. I pushed hard and felt my baby moving down the canal. What an amazing moment that was. Scary, exciting, super-emotional, and like on the last leg of the race. I was afraid to push because I was so afraid of tearing (had fourth degree tears my first pregnancy and was basically ripped apart, to shreds, from the inside out due to the idiocy of them giving my Pitocin when I was already pushing my son out), but I knew it had to be done so I prayed and prepared myself and pushed. Down my baby came. My husband was about to leave to get me another rag with more ice, but they warned him not to leave, and a good thing too. I was ready for my baby to come out and I was the one in control of it. I felt him in my birth canal so I just bore down and pushed and pushed and pushed until the head came out, and then the hardest part of pushing those broad shoulders out, but I knew once the shoulders were out then the rest would be easy, and it was. I felt my body opening up for him and I felt when the resistance gave way and his little body, and the other stuff, all came sliding out. I heard my midwives excitement and knew my boy was safely out. I turned around to look and there was this bloody, messy, beautiful little creature. I'm getting emotional thinking about it now.

     If I was under the influence of an epidural, or any of the other numbing drugs, sure I would not have felt the intense pain, but I wouldn't have felt the beautiful moments either. I wouldn't have been the one on control of my body pushing out his, feeling every bit of it, the parts that didn't hurt, but were truly an experience. I think having a drug-free and all natural birth helped me to cherish my baby more and bond with him. That is something that mother's with epidurals, C-sections, and other drugs are robbed of and I am so grateful I "pushed" through and did it the way God intended and I knew in my heart was right. I will say, it was AMAZING to be able to eat what I wanted when I wanted after I gave birth and not be given crummy hospital food. It was AMAZING to be able to choose not to give my sweet boy shots or be taken away from me to be bathed and poked and prodded. They treasure those moments with mom, dad, and baby's first moments outside the womb. My baby lay on me with cord still attached for quite some time, until I said I was ready. They did not wash or scrub him as baby is naturally coated with things that are healthy to his skin. So, he went home with a little blood on him and I used a wipe to clean him off later, amazed that the majority had just absorbed into his skin and it was super smooth and not waxy or weird like my first son's.
     It was AMAZING to have the private time after birth to just focus on myself and my sweet baby and recover from that huge experience. It truly is labor. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and so grateful I hadn't caved to the pressures of family and had that time set apart for just me, my husband, oldest son, and baby. I was in pain too. I did have one small tear, but my midwife did an amazing job with stitching me back up and also soothing my fears. She was a great comfort to me, especially with her soothing, calm ways. She had a wonderful bedside manner and I trusted her completely. They were friends, not just people getting paid. It was amazing that I got to choose the what, when, and how's of things. It was AMAZING being able to get up and leave at 1 ish in the afternoon after giving birth that morning and be back home within twelve hours of when we first left, spending the night in my own bed and the comfort of my own home, not confined to a hospital bed, doctor's orders, nasty food, stupid rules, or being attached to a painful I.V. "just in case" that hindered me from fully holding my baby. It was done my way, and that is how every single birth experience should be done. Mother's are not stupid. We know our bodies better than any doctor or anyone else can tell us. We have an instinct that we have been bullied into mistrusting with the use of fear tactics and misinformation on top of being made to feel ignorant and inferior to these 'high-quality educations." Blech. I will move on so it doesn't turn into a rant on how much I loathe the hospital/medical system...

     We brought our own food to the birth center and had full use of the microwave and fridge. My oldest son sat in the front waiting room with his tablet watching movies and reading magazines and they were perfectly fine with that. We all felt safe, secure, and free to focus on the beauty of childbirth. My baby wasn't ripped from me by uncaring and harsh nurses to be forcefully scrubbed and prodded. He was gently and lovingly cared for by mother's and treasured by them also, delighting in him just like me, his own mother. It was not a clinical, sterile, cold room full of people getting paid, but filled with mother's who genuinely loved what they do and loved the babies, and mamas, they took care of.

     I had a birth playlist going the whole time on my computer and it was so calming and relaxing afterwards. The assistant helped me go to the bathroom and took care of me each time. She didn't rush me, wasn't harsh, she was gentle and caring, soothing. I honestly couldn't ask for a better experience and if I ever get pregnant again, will without hesitation go back to them.
Oh, and I was also able to walk out of the birth center on my own without having to be wheeled out by a nurse. Awesome!!! I wasn't treated like an invalid or some sick person, but a beautiful healthy mother who just underwent a beautiful and natural healthy process. They even took our picture as a family to place on their wall and create a birth announcement that is shared on their walls.

     I want to share this because I see that so many women are simply uneducated about the options available and that there is so much stigma and fear tactics whenever we do things "out of the box," but let's just remember that women have given birth naturally since the beginning of time and we seem to be doing okay. ;-) Hospitals are not the only options. We mothers DO have choices regarding what to do with our bodies, our pregnancy, our birth, and our precious babies. Don't let anyone strip that right away from you or make you afraid to follow your gut with a natural birth.


~ Until next time...

P.S. Please forgive any spelling/grammar errors. My mind is a fog of exhaustion right now. ;-)
    

Parenting: Cut Mom's Some Slack - That Means Yourself Too

So... I think I am understanding why parents choose to have children closer together.
In my situation, it wasn't possible. I was a single mom for many years until a new marriage brought about a new baby.

 My newbie was born just short of eight years between his older brother.

Eight years is a LONG time in parenting years.

I am realizing that I am practically and might as well be a brand new parent. It's what it feels like. I have completely started over and realize that I have forgotten even the most basic of things. I have to re-learn this stuff all over again. Perhaps it is because I have far more going on in my life now than I did eight years ago, or maybe brain cells have died, or I am getting old and losing it. Whatever the case, it stinks. Not my child, but the parenting part.

As a single mom, I totally fought for every bit of it because I knew nothing about raising kids, just what NOT to do and what I hoped to avoid.

I had all these hopes and aspirations this time around since I was better educated, better prepared, and much more stable than I was with my first child. This time, I was going to tackle parenting with my 'grand plan' as I was more experienced... well, that didn't work. I learned again that life throws curveballs.

I was determined to have a water birth. Due to the jets being positioned awkwardly in the tub which was painful for me during contractions, and my cervix not being completely effaced, I wound up giving birth in bed.

I was determined to fully breastfeed since I was uneducated the first time around and gave up only a few months in. I caved after three days of my own intense pain from recovery, lack of sleep, and a fussy and gassy baby that wouldn't sleep on his own and hardly at all. The gassiness made him squirmy so he wouldn't/couldn't nurse at times. Then there were the times I was so in pain that I was in tears and it hurt worse to rock him and nurse him. Then there was the actual pain from nursing in the beginning that was too much for me when coupled with pain from a 2nd degree tear from labor and that recovery. Then there was the total exhaustion from lack of sleep so when my husband took over for a shift I let him use formula so I didn't have to nurse and could get the care and rest I needed to function.

I was determined to not feel in-over-my-head and to be the super prepared awesome mom that totally loves every moment with her kids and can do it all. You know, those Hallmark moment type things. That was over within the first week I think.

I don't know how most couples/parents do it. I look at other parents of newborns and wonder if they go through the same challenges, frustrations, and tears that we do, or if we are doing something wrong or there is something wrong with us.

I didn't really judge other mom's before, because I know better. I got so much judgment as a single mom which is the LAST thing that is helpful. This time though, I have a much better appreciation and understanding of the importance to NOT JUDGE other parents, especially first-timers, especially single parents, especially parents of newborns. We are all learning as we go and adjusting to life's curves. Our children are all unique and circumstances pop up that derail us from our plans. At the end of the day which is more important: the plan or the child?

I hope other parents don't criticize or condemn other parents over formula vs. breastfed, co-sleeping vs. independent, vaccines vs. none, etc. Each parent has a right (with the exception of abuse or neglect) to do as they see fit for their children and most all have their children's best interest's at heart. We are all learning as we go. Sometimes we may have to adjust plans as need be. Sometimes we don't have the resources to do what we wish, and having others throw guilt to us on top of that disappointment is the last thing we need.

I hope parents can be supportive and encouraging to one another. We are, after all, adults setting a tone for how our children respond in this messy world.

Our goals should be to help and not hurt others. We shouldn't be afraid to address concerns, frustrations, tears, etc., that we have as parents. We should be able to reach out for advice or just a vent without getting crap from others. We should focus on helping, not hurting... and we should be able to form a community of parents who help nurture each other so we can better nurture our children.

Maybe that's just my idea of a parenting Utopia though...

One thing I have gleaned from this experience is to appreciate any and all efforts parents make with their children and to learn from the different styles and methods. Aren't we all truly 'winging it' after all?

Catching Up While Falling Behind

     It is a little hard for me to grasp that my last blog entry was three months ago, and yet it almost seems like forever since I have sat down to collect my thoughts. It sure has been a whirlwind since the last time I sat down to breathe. I see a pattern that my posts frequently seem to be more on Sundays than any other day.

     We began our hunt for property with the intention of buying land then spending the rest of this year building up on it with hopes of moving into our own customized mobile home by the end of the year. Instead, we got super-stressed feeling in over our heads and realized the expense of building up would wind up costing us the same or more than a pre-made house. I will share more of our house story later and how God saw us through every step of it, but for now I will simply summarize. We found a house, we bought the house, for the past few weeks we have been homeowners and dealing with the madness of moving into our new home, out of our old one, and adjusting to life with a newborn. All our blessings, but all our very challenging. We also sold one of our vehicles leaving us only one, which makes it more challenging to move.

     It seems like there has been one thing after another, seriously. Then I learn that on top of drama that comes with certain family members, a few of them seem to believe, or at least are spreading it around, that I and my family are in a cult. Seriously! It is laughable, but it still is damaging if people actually believe that garbage. I wish I could just be over this mess, like never have to deal with it again, but I see it is not part of God's plan yet. What the Enemy intends for evil, God will use for good if we let it. I am getting stronger. This stuff weakens me and no matter how strong I get, it still hurts even more that these people who claim to love me are really just destroying me in different ways. It makes me be a better parent and helps me to love others more. It makes me appreciate that I'm not a phony and aids in my refinement of being more Christ-like, because my sole effort in parenting and my character/relationships is to do exactly the opposite of what these people do. By doing that I become more like Christ, which is the ultimate goal anyway. More of Him, less of me.

     This has been a time of great transition in all of our lives. I am exhausted in so many ways and overwhelmed with the tasks at hand that build and while having to endure on little to no sleep. I assume I can speak for my husband in that he is feeling the same. Our eight year old seems to be feeling the effects too. Since the baby has been born and we've been dealing with all of the house stuff there has been very little of a routine or schedule. It has just been survival, especially in the first few weeks when I was recovering from childbirth and in a great amount of pain. Now, it's just exhaustion, so longing and needing breaks, and the growing heap, literally, of stuff to do and not enough time or energy to do it.

     If we didn't have God I really don't see how we could make it through this process.

     My husband and I are learning how to work individually and as a team through all of this. We are much better working as a team. As hard as it is, as stressful and exhausting, I feel great triumph and am growing to love him even more when we are able to work through the frustrating and overwhelming times. I think it is a great testimony that we can pull through and still love each other when we have nothing left to give.

     I kind of wish things could be like the communities in the older days where when one was going through a difficult time, or had a celebration like a newborn, the community would rally together to bless that family and offer support, bring over cooked meals, run errands, etc. There seems to be none of that anymore. Everyone is going their own ways, too busy for this and that, or just so caught up in the noise and busy-ness of life that it all passes by, along with the opportunities to bless others. Going through situations like these makes me more determined and mindful of how to and the importance of being a blessing to others; of seeing needs or ways to bless others and just doing that. All part of God's plan right?! ;-)

     Our baby boy is a blessing, but it doesn't mean it's easy. He is the child I knew in my heart I was supposed to have and I have longed for him for many years. Much like my husband, I knew him long before he ever came into my life physically. I'm not one of those magazine moms where everything looks perfect. I'm not like that and no matter how hard I may try I will never be, and that's ok. I'm a real mom. Flour smudged on face and hair, clothes askew, babbling incoherently, burning stuff on the stove with piles of laundry and falling asleep in strange places. Ok, not entirely, but that most accurately depicts me than the 'Magazine Mom.' I get stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, feel I'm not good enough as a mom, feel like it's impossible, feel I'm failing, etc. but you know what, that's okay too. I'm learning and I'm growing. That's the point. Progress. My kids are still taken care of even if I'm not. I'm learning. My husband is a huge help. I'm learning how to let go, breathe, and embrace the messes and chaos of daily life. So my house isn't spotless and we may all be fussy at the same time... so what?! God has blessed us abundantly with all we need, and we must remember the goal of life is not to please others or impress them, but to please and impress God with our love and obedience towards Him. Nothing else matters.
    
     When I die, I will not regret that I did not keep my house spotless or that I didn't look like Magazine Mom. I will regret not making more messes with my kids, not laughing more, not embracing the crazy moments to laugh and flirt with my husband, not reaching out to others just because I was overwhelmed or exhausted myself. I try to focus on what I would regret and adjust accordingly. I'm still learning to laugh more and enjoy life more. There is truly so much beauty around us, but I get how hard it is sometimes to fully let it in. We must though, otherwise we miss out on so many of the best things in life. A child's smile, a newborn, making cooking or art messes with kids, dancing with the husband in the middle of a messy kitchen, etc.

     Breathe. Smell. Love. Give. Learn. Grow. Embrace. Repeat.


Peace,

~ The Starving-For-Sleep Artist ~
    

The Frugal Baby: They Don't Have To Cost THAT Much

 

     One of the biggest arguments and concerns I hear from would-be parents is how having a child costs too much and they can't afford it. Well, here are my thoughts gleaned from experience on that.

 

     With my first child, I was quickly turned into a single mother who didn't have money to start with and was not able to come by much after my son was born. What I learned from back then are THREE important things:

 

 

1. God ALWAYS provides what we NEED

2. We do not need as much as we THINK we do

3. Many of the necessities can be acquired for little to NOTHING

 

 

     Every time my son would get to the point where he was getting too big for his clothes and I would start to worry about how to get enough money to get him the bigger sizes, someone would come along and bless me EACH TIME with GARBAGE BAGS and boxes FULL of clothes, all given to me for FREE. EACH TIME!!! Seriously. It was like Christmas for me each time. I would sit with the piles of clothes around me, and shoes and socks too, going through it while crying tears of joy, gratitude, and awe, and wound up having TOO MUCH. It was amazing. At every stage when I was a single mom that would happen. I saw the consistency of God's pattern at how He was blessing us and providing for us. One time was from a best friend, twice from a co-worker of my mother, one was from a neighbor that gave us 2-3 garbage bags FULL right before we moved out of that house, and the last time was from a good friend from church who gave us PILES of clothes that we had strewn out all across the living room as we sorted. It was amazing! Now, I realize this won't happen all the time with a child, BUT people are typically ready to get rid of old things for free or next-to nothing especially when they know you and there old things will go to a good place.

 

Tip #1: ASK your friends and circle of acquaintances for any old baby/child things they may have that they want to get rid of. Don't be afraid to express a need. Look out for friends that are getting rid of stuff too.

 

     - We were able to buy a bouncer that normally would run $75+ in the stores for only $15 from a Facebook friend who was getting rid of baby things. We also got a carrier and Pack N' Play play mat that costs $40 TOTAL (including the bouncer!) when the carrier alone costs about $40 in the stores.

 

     - I also have two family members who offered to give me baby things they no longer need, some of which include; a crib, walker, and high chair. All of the BIG things we needed. We were even blessed at our baby shower to be given an infant car seat which was the last of the BIG items we needed. So, apart from our glider we purchased brand new, which was bought with Christmas money we received, we had to pay for NONE of the big items we needed.

 

Tip #2: REUSE

 

     - One of the greatest tips I can impart is to invest in reusable items rather than disposable. With disposable you are literally throwing your money away. I could not afford with my first child to do cloth diapering because I could not afford the upfront cost. I wish I had! With our current child, thankfully I am better prepared. I bought about half of what we would need for our baby and am waiting on deals to buy the rest. I did the math. Cloth diapers cost roughly $300 for the whole bit. Disposable diapers cost about $25 a box and about $75 a month, then there are wipes to consider too. We will use washcloths for pee and disposable for the other. So, within the first year alone you get the investment of cloth diapering back. So, for about $300 we have all the diapers our baby will need from newborn to potty-training! I think that is amazing. Also, they can be re-used for future babies. How awesome is that?!

 

Tip#3: RESEARCH

 

     - Utilize the internet to shop around and price check for the greatest deals. Regarding the cloth diapers, I was recommended Fuzzi Buns by one relative and Just Simply Baby by another. I looked at both. Fuzzi Buns was more expensive per item and was sized, so I would have to purchase a new set of diapers as my baby grew, adding to the expenses. With Just Simply Baby, they are One Size Fits All. They diapers have snaps that can be adjusted as my baby grows so all I have to do is make a ONE-TIME investment, that were cheaper than Fuzzi Buns, and my baby is set.

 

Tip #4: DEALS

 

     - Planning ahead and using self-control enables one to wait for the best deals. For instance, just today I received an email from Just Simply Baby that their inserts are BOGO for today only. I have been waiting for a deal like this to get more supplies. So, I just purchased, with a VISA gift card I got for my baby shower, 14 inserts that would have run $36 plus $5 shipping for only $23 TOTAL. Less than $2 per insert, and it actually cost me nothing out of my budget thanks to using the Gift Card. Save those gift cards for deals like this! Now, all I have to do is wait for some good cloth diaper deals and my baby is totally set.

 

     - Sign up for the emails associated with brands or items you need and wait for those deals to come by.

*UPDATE - Shortly after I wrote this blog, I got another email from Just Simply Baby that cloth diapers were 40% off!!! That was the deal I had been waiting for so I snagged them. I got 7 diapers to add to our collection. I now have 14 which is enough to get by for at least one day, possibly a day and a half. I will wait for another deal to come around to get 7 or so more so that would give me about a 2 day supply of clean cloth diapers before having to wash. I emphasize again to WAIT for the deals to come around. Get only the basics of what you need and then wait for the rest in order to save some money.

 

 

Tip#5: BUY USED

 

     - I seriously don't understand the stigma associated with buying things from thrift stores or from yard sales. Seriously. Just Lysol the items or wipe things down with Clorox wipes, just like from any other store, and it's all good. For $25 you can get an entire new collection of baby things. I would get books and movies for my son for 3 for $1 at our local thrift store. Clothes are about $1-2. I recently got shoes for about $5 for him. They outgrow clothes and particularly shoes SO FAST, so that is wasted money to me. I do invest in one good pair of walking/hiking shoes and one good pair of dress shoes for church, but other than that, thrift store and flip flops it is. My son doesn't care. I don't spoil him or teach him to be materialistic or to keep up with the other kids. I teach him to be grateful for what he gets, and he is. I let him pick out the clothes, and that is exciting for him. He doesn't care where it comes from. Don't create a spoiled monster and you'll save a lot more money that way too.

 

Tip#6: INVEST WISELY

 

     - Invest money in things that can be used long-term or will reap the most benefits out of it.

I homeschool my son, so I apply that to any homeschool resources. What program will reap the most benefits for his education? Can I reuse the materials when the baby gets older? There are a few programs I invest in for his education and childhood. We have a science museum with a Homeschool program and our fortunate enough to have the Thomas Edison and Henry Ford Estates nearby that offer amazing science homeschool programs. Those are worthy investments to me as my son gets a lot out of it, has a lot of fun, and gets a different teaching than what he would get from me. I also have him participate in one Theater class a year, whether during season or for summer camp. Also worthy investments as it is adding to his skills, experience, and making happy memories along the way. The same goes for toys. I will not buy cheap toys for him. I will buy books and toys that can last a good while, be reused with his younger sibling, and won't break or get destroyed easily. Why throw money down the drain?

 

 - Also, utilize FREE RESOURCES. The library is perfect for getting new books and DVD's that do not have to clutter up the home. We also utilize the free kid's workshops at Lowe's and Home Depot once a month where kids get their own apron, goggles, pins or badges, among other things, and get to build their own kit for free. My son has learned building skills, the pride of a job done himself, and is valuable bonding time between parent and child. Search for free programs and activities in your area. You might be surprised what is out there.

 

Tip #7: LEARN FROM HISTORY

 

     - Our ancestors did not have a Babies 'R Us around the corner, or stores where they could buy and fill their child's room with toys and things. They had the necessities. They whittled their own toys out of wood. They crocheted their own blankets. They didn't have excess. They lived simply. We spoil our children. Seriously. How many blankets does your child REALLY need? How many sets of clothes and bows and toys?! We are a bit brainwashed into thinking that happiness and love means having more and giving more to our children, but what it really does is spoil them, teach them love comes from material things, and creates a sense of entitlement within them. Having less items not only helps them to appreciate what they do have MORE, but causes us parents less stress having to either clean up after ALL their belongings ourselves or continuously nag them to pick up after themselves. Less stuff equals less stress!

 

Tip #8: TEACH THEM

 

     - A concern of my husband's is having to pay for the child's car and college. I quickly reassured him I have no intention to spoil our children. I believe giving handouts to kids is one of the worst things a parent can do. I plan to teach our children the value of hard work, saving, and working towards their own future. I will not raise a spoiled, self-entitled child who comes to their parents each time they want something with their hands held out for money. I will teach them to work for themselves and invest in their OWN future, their own vehicles, their own college, their own homes. The same goes for their future wedding. I'm not saying we won't contribute something to them, but we WILL NOT contribute ALL. Any money we give our kids in the future is a GIFT not a REQUIREMENT. I plan on opening a savings account for my son when he is 13, and a checking account once he gets a job, then carefully monitoring and advising him with his savings, teaching him how to budget, invest in his future, etc. I will teach my children carpentry and home improvement skills so they can apply that to their future home. I will teach them as much as I can NOW to help ensure their success in the FUTURE, hopefully saving money for not just us parents, but for our children as well. Also, we will open a savings account strictly for college and a separate one for a vehicle as well. Then, our children can add to each account as they see fit over the years. If they start now, they will have a good head start by the time they actually need that money.

 

 

So, there are a few of my tips and things I have learned over the years. Don't buy into the media ads and other parents that tell you that you aren't a good parent if you don't give your child brand new items, the most expensive, or have every nook and cranny of their rooms filled with things. Love them. That is free. Read to them, show them they are valued, play games with them, teach them hard work and sacrifice and the joy of earning money and then buying their own things that they want. You will be investing in a much better them and you might be able to breathe easier in the process. Next time someone tells you kids cost too much, just look at them like this,

 

 

 

then kindly explain to them what you have learned from an experienced mom.

 

 

 

 

Happy Parenting,

 

 

~ The Starving Artist ~